I’ll start by congratulating us all to getting beyond 2020. Things can only go up from here right?! The year we just left behind can literally go and take its head for a shit. We’ve lost loved ones, jobs, money and our sanity but we are all still here to fight another day..and another lockdown. Cheers again Bozza.
I’m interested to hear how you spent your New years eve ? Myself and my partner decided we were going to throw it right back to the noughties and get high because well, ya know, 2020… unfortunately, getting high on a small about of cannabis is absolutely NOT the same now as it was 10 plus years ago. We both stood outside at 12oclock puffing away on the saddest looking excuse of a Billy bifta you ever did see, seeing the new year in with a glazy eyed clink of our pop bottles only to fall asleep drooling on the sofa. Not quite how I imagined it but nevermind.
The one thing I do feel I can look back and reflect on is the time I spent in my own head during 2020. Through all the shit the year threw at us all I honestly feel ive “found” myself (whatever that means) I know what I want now and the things I like and don’t like. I took abit of time out to get to know me! There were, of course a few wobbles on the way to this magical light bulb moment. One funny realisation is that I actually hate working with the general public which is hilarious as that is literally all I bang on about on my CV. Making out I love talking to customers and making them happy… I actually don’t. I love to help people but I dont think its by selling them a holiday to the Canaries. I want to actually HELP people. People who feel lost? People who need abit of guidance. People like me?
I’m aiming high guys. I’ve gone all in and signed up to a Open University course studying Psychology. The course is 4 years long which is usually on average two employment lengths for me so its kinda a big deal but im determined! Something feels right about this path, something I’ve never quite felt before? I’m 32 years old and I may finally know what I want to do in life!
So im talking all the talk but will I walk the walk? Well thats the age old question of somebody with impulsive tendencies. This could be one of the many many MANY things I’ve obsessed over in the past, invested all my thought into and spent time and money organising.. only for it to vaporise into thin air one day when I get “bored”
I’m not sure this time though ya know, I’ve got a good feeling about this one.
Wishing you all a Happy, prosperous and safe New year.
On Saturday the 21st of March I went to work like everybody else who works Travel/Retail/Any other customer service type role. “Right then, what arseholes am I going to have to deal with today” you know the attitude. That one that when you started the job you couldn’t wait to get stuck in making dreams come true , and now, a couple of years down the line the phrase “I’m just wanting to go somewhere hot, not sure where but it needs to be cheap” makes your face contort the same way it would if somebody were to come up to you and expel a fart in your vicinity.
Don’t get me wrong, my job is different every day and the team I work with well, there fucking awesome but little did I know that day when I finished my shift at 3pm that it would be the last time I saw the place until…well who knows right? In hindsight, if I were to relive that day knowing what I know now I would have rode horseback William Wallace style through town shouting about freedom and drinking gin. Not clock watching waiting to go home.. Which is where I’ve been ever since.
Life’s challenges have changed somewhat. At the beginning I could not believe my luck! No work?! Time at home to catch up on housework and maybe even re wallpaper the huge fireplace shaped empty patch on the living room wall where my other half thought it would be a great idea to move the room round a little? This is kind of exciting! And then I remembered that I was a parent, to a 4 year old. A 4 year old with sass.
It started well. The daily itinerary went like this –
A rude awakening at approx. 7am from Child where I promise I’ll be up in one minute if she plays nicely in her room.
Joe Wicks workout promptly at 9am
Spellings and numbers.
Dog Walk for the allotted 1 hour time frame.
“Quiet time” (with snack) most popular choice for freetime was the tablet where I learnt that horrid Henry really is a Horrid little shit.
Daddy gets home resulting in very over excitable and giddy child before bed.
Bed for child, 1 sly cigarette and gin and tonic at the bottom of the garden for me.
New Daily itinerary
A rude awakening at approx. 7am from Child where I promise I’ll be up in one minute if she plays nicely in her room. (28 minutes later, I’m still scrolling through Facebook with one eye open)
“Quiet time” with breakfast in bed.
Argue with Child about the amount of outfits she has already worn in the hour we have been awake. Child will now only reply to the name Elsa.
Tidy up Elsa’s bedroom, hide the clothes.
Dog walk to any location that child can run freely so I don’t have to look after worry too much.
Stare at Wall where the wallpapering never got done whilst eating snack.
Daddy comes home and mentions I might like to take up running?
Bed for Child, 16 cigarettes openly smoked near the back door so other half can see that I’m stressed and two Jager bombs.
And just for those wondering, which your probably not, The roll of wallpaper still sits behind the door.
I want to be left alone, my brain is too fuzzy for all the questioning, the voice from outside too much for my ears. But as I see them walking away I immediately feel fear. Abandonment. Why would they walk away when I’m feeling like this. What if I were to lose control ? Come back.
The Cyclical Nature of the Fear of Abandonment People with EUPD may simultaneously fear abandonment and have symptoms that create conflicts with others, such as volatile moods, distress intolerance, extremes of anger and withdrawal, and impulsivity. People with EUPD often engage in self-sabotaging behaviour such as oversharing, misplaced anger, impulsivity, lashing out at loved ones, and poor self-image, which leads to greater relationship disfunction. These behaviours within personal relationships often lead to relationship instability and even abandonment, which then reinforces the fear.
Sound familiar? Its sadly very familiar to people who have abandonment issues or maladaptive coping mechanisms. The need of comfort yet not being able to accept it or feeling as though you don’t deserve it. One particular example of this for me was late 2015 after a pretty stressful year of running a pub. The chaotic atmosphere and anti social working patterns alongside the management of unruly casual bar staff (although extremely funny bar staff and some of the best mates I ever had!) alongside trying to maintain a relationship with somebody who wasn’t 100percent sure we had made the right decision took its toll and caused my first major “Episode”
I don’t remember a great deal towards the beginning, only a fuzzy memory of being sat in my car staring into space for a considerable amount of time, I know it was a long time because it had started to get dark and it definitely wasn’t dark when I pulled up there. I casually rang my partner and told him that I thought I might like to walk in front of one of the lorries passing by as I’d had enough now. My worthlessness had literally come out of nowhere but I was serious and worryingly, not afraid? He came to me as soon as he could and took me to my mums which was nearby. I remember them both talking to me but I continued to stare. Completely shutting out anything that was being said. All I was thinking was “I just want to be alone, in the quiet, why are they still talking to me? I want to go to bed” There voices were a massive inconvenience to me but at the same time I had called them to be there. I knew I needed them and I knew I needed help.
It was after this that I started to take things a lot more seriously. I realised that it was possible I didn’t deal with stressful situations very well but couldn’t understand why. I couldn’t understand why until I went to visit a counsellor who tipped my version of the past 31 years on its head. What followed, was a rough ride.
I recently decided that I was going to change career paths (again) and find the real me (again) I think the recent situation with the lockdown has maybe triggered my search and my curiosity away from travel which is what I currently do.
So one evening, I thought id look at what its like to work in a mortuary. I’ve always had a strange fascination with death even going as far as spending time in cemetery’s when I was younger reading the headstones and imagining the people who were below my feet. I know, extremely morbid.
I trawled research articles on peoples experiences of working within this role and what things would be involved. After approximately 72 minutes down this rabbit hole even so much as finding a local advert for such a position I managed to get all the way down to the “Apply now” button before the realisation of the possibility of having to perhaps ever deal with children could arise and that was it. The phase passed.
I remember once I had convinced myself that I was about to become rich on the back of selling homemade crafts. I spent hundreds of pounds on scrabble tiles to make quirky box frames along with sheets of material, a glue gun and other odds and sods. I wrote in an old journal of all the ideas I had and how I was about to make it big, maybe even being the next Kirstie Allsopp! I made a Facebook page along with a questionable logo and went about starting my work. The general reception was good. I sold a few , made most of the money back that I spent but then my inspiration escaped me. One day I just stopped. No rhyme or reason, I just didn’t want to do it anymore.
This is the problem with an Impulsive mind you see. The obsession comes but is almost always swiftly followed by the wall. the mental block. Catching my interest is easy, keeping my interest is harder.
“A person who has impulsive personality disorder is charming and good at being the centre of attention. In fact, this kind of person thrives on receiving attention. He or she might be highly adventurous – even to the point of engaging in dangerous behaviour – but this person is often also superficial”
The above is Google’s answer. To be honest, this description could be said for a lot of people I know without needing any kind of special diagnosis. Its very true, but very simply described. The reality is a lot more complex often with similar symptoms to that of Bi-polar. Highs and lows that switch like a light. The impossible feeling of needing somebody but at the exact same time wanting them to leave you alone. the phrase “Go away, don’t leave” is horrifyingly relatable to me and my poor partner.
A short background story
There have been many tell tale signs over the years leading to this diagnosis which I will go more into in other posts but one thing that stands out to me is the little pity parties I have for myself and how I rarely take accountability for my actions. I wallow in self pity and dwell on past events that cant be changed. I am MASSIVLEY manipulative to make things go in my favour and sulk if they don’t. Bad traits I know (sigh) but on the flip side my mind is a hive of activity, I overthink everything but this also lets my mind delve into areas not everyone else’s does. I consider details. I am OBSESSIVE.
Regular brain – I see the bird in the tree. nice.
My brain – I see the bird in the tree and now I need to know what species it is, what habitat it usually lives in and what sound it makes. (This is this followed up with online investigations to get the answer)
I’m not even entirely sure this is even connected to the disorder or whether this is just how my brain works but I think it mainly boils down to the busy brain. The cogs going round constantly.
Impulsive personality is actually just a subtype of Borderline Personality Disorder which in all honesty is a massively under researched illness. It makes me sad when I read or hear of stories of people that clearly showed all the signs and were ignored or misdiagnosed.
if you already feel like you can relate to the above here are some more signs and symptoms –
Flirtatious with others, sometimes without even realizing it.
Captivating, able to act with a natural magnetism.
Elusive and mercurial.
Superficial, easily entertaining others on a surface level but avoiding more meaningful interactions or relationships.
High levels of energy and easily bored.
Thrill-seeking and risk-taking behaviour’s without regard for consequences.
Charismatic and charming.
Highly manipulative of others, particularly in order to position oneself as the centre of attention.