Have we all got our positivity pants on?

It’s been a little while since I last came here to spout out ramblings about my life non coherently. Still, I guess I started to arrive back at the “normal” station again these past couple of months. Going to work after school drop off and worrying about menial things like how I wished I hadn’t have left the washing out when I left. The sun just loves to put his hat on first thing in the morning only to be bitterly traitorous further in the day.

I’ve also been working hard on assignments for the open university degree I half-heartedly took on late last year. Turns out, it’s not half-hearted at all and is, in fact, one of the most challenging but most enthralling things I’ve ever done! Most recently, I have been learning how to write academically…Something I clearly lack the skill of at the moment. Most feedback I receive is that I often put unnecessary words into my essays…Yep, that’s me hun. Unnecessary and full of pointless information.

Another exciting development in my own personal psyche is that I’ve come out this past year with a new view on life. The moments I do now have spare, I really appreciate. After school drop off this morning, I took my pig/dog up to a local church nearby to me, and it’s honestly the most beautiful, peaceful place. I just sat taking in the sounds, view and could literally feel my brain slowing down. It’s quite a new feeling for me to sit and do this, and I’m thoroughly enjoying it.

Babworth Church – My secret happy place.
My Pig/Dog

I recently had a catch-up appointment with my doctor following the pandemic to check in on how my mental well-being was. Quite often, I can be fine for months, but a few weeks ago, I could feel a familiar darkness creeping up on me. I was waking up at 3/4am, unable to sleep and feeling like I needed to hoover, sitting in the garden in the rain (yeah, weird, I know), online spending, and doing a lot of staring into space in despair… Basically, early symptoms of a breakdown from previous experience. So instead of letting this manifest, I told my other half, who immediately got me on the phone to my GP. He upped me to 40mg of fluoxetine, which started kicking in. I’m feeling much more positive I can keep a handle on things that completely overwhelm me.

I’m grateful that only this time last year I don’t think I would have the tools to notice when something doesn’t feel quite right and that now I’m almost, dare I say it,…In control. If only I could control the amount of food that I shove in my gob…

Social Anxiety or living your best life?

Somebody said to me the other day, “Jaz, it must be quite difficult for you at the moment going through all of this with a bit of a mental brain” (Her words, not mine). Thanks for the concern, hun, but you would be mistaken. The biggest excuse I ever used to get out of something was ignoring the whole situation, turning my phone on silent, and pretending I didn’t get the message. Suddenly, I don’t need to do that because nobody is doing anything! Covid-19 seems to have taken away all the stresses of stressing over social outings. Now, Covid-19 can be the reason for not letting somebody come into your house when it is not as clean as you would like and the reason you can just say NO to any type of social gathering. It can also be a fantastic excuse to sit consuming chocolatey treats and ..well, yourself. As great as it is, the amount of occasions that friends and family have mentioned all meeting up once all of ‘this is over is alarming. I’m actually preparing myself for accidentally-on-purpose lobbing my phone in the canal, so I don’t have to commit to such outings and socialisation.

Don’t get me wrong, when I’m in the mood for it, I am the life and soul! I’m like Pringles; once you pop, you just can’t stop! Get me in a room of 10 or more, and I’m a bloody jack-in-a-box. I irritate my partner because I can’t and won’t sit still. Does anybody need any help? Do I need the toilet? What’s in that room over there? It is bloody exhausting.

I once went on a day trip to London with my friend and her newborn son. She was slightly apprehensive understandably about tackling the tube with a pushchair and how the day would go in general. I took complete control. We were on and off that central line like shit off a stick. We walked miles, we talked for miles! it really was a fantastic, busy, chaotic but brilliant day out… I then didn’t leave the house for two whole days. I was overwhelmed and emotional from all the stimulation of the day before, like that of an overstimulated newborn. I could barely even parent that day. This is quite a typical scenario, and also why I turn down so many social invitations even if I want to go. I have to consider what I’m doing for the days after in case the day of fun puts me out of service… like a woozy, mental hangover without any alcohol.

I have a small group of friends who I seem to socialise more with as they understand my situation and laugh at me when I just HAVE to get home at 10 pm. They accept I don’t like to drink too much and just let me be me, however odd I am! I must say, though, it took me a long time to get to this point with people as I’m naturally a “people pleaser,” which has definitely got me into some sticky situations in the past.

So to summerise, Covid-19 has done me a massive favour. What about you?