Balls deep into 2021

I’ll start by congratulating us all to getting beyond 2020. Things can only go up from here right?! The year we just left behind can literally go and take its head for a shit. We’ve lost loved ones, jobs, money and our sanity but we are all still here to fight another day..and another lockdown. Cheers again Bozza.

I’m interested to hear how you spent your New years eve ? Myself and my partner decided we were going to throw it right back to the noughties and get high because well, ya know, 2020… unfortunately, getting high on a small about of cannabis is absolutely NOT the same now as it was 10 plus years ago. We both stood outside at 12oclock puffing away on the saddest looking excuse of a Billy bifta you ever did see, seeing the new year in with a glazy eyed clink of our pop bottles only to fall asleep drooling on the sofa. Not quite how I imagined it but nevermind.

Anyway..

The one thing I do feel I can look back and reflect on is the time I spent in my own head during 2020. Through all the shit the year threw at us all I honestly feel ive “found” myself (whatever that means) I know what I want now and the things I like and don’t like. I took abit of time out to get to know me! There were, of course a few wobbles on the way to this magical light bulb moment. One funny realisation is that I actually hate working with the general public which is hilarious as that is literally all I bang on about on my CV. Making out I love talking to customers and making them happy… I actually don’t. I love to help people but I dont think its by selling them a holiday to the Canaries. I want to actually HELP people. People who feel lost? People who need abit of guidance. People like me?

I’m aiming high guys. I’ve gone all in and signed up to a Open University course studying Psychology. The course is 4 years long which is usually on average two employment lengths for me so its kinda a big deal but im determined! Something feels right about this path, something I’ve never quite felt before? I’m 32 years old and I may finally know what I want to do in life!

THE LAPTOPS OUT READY FOR ACTION!

So im talking all the talk but will I walk the walk? Well thats the age old question of somebody with impulsive tendencies. This could be one of the many many MANY things I’ve obsessed over in the past, invested all my thought into and spent time and money organising.. only for it to vaporise into thin air one day when I get “bored”

I’m not sure this time though ya know, I’ve got a good feeling about this one.

Wishing you all a Happy, prosperous and safe New year.

Hi, could you jus….NO.

Sounds fairly simple doesn’t it the word no?

But actually, it’s one of the most difficult things to put in to practice. How many people can say they are proud to be assertive? Even if you’re quite good at putting it into practice it doesn’t always feel good. 

In 2018 I started listening to Fearne Cotton’s podcast “Happy Place” 

Fearne delves into the subject of Happiness through chatting to inspiring individuals who have either made a change in their own lives or who help people every day to find a different way of looking at life. Something about her interview style has sent my mind into a spin. If you haven’t already, listen to it immediately and thank me later.

One that particularly sticks in my mind is when she interviews yoga inspiration Zephyr Wildman who sadly lost her husband to cancer. In the interview, Zephyr speaks candidly with Fearne about dealing with her grief whilst managing to keep it real and gain self-awareness. She spoke about changing her friend circles and being accountable for her feelings. And most importantly knowing yourself and knowing when to say NO.

Her circumstances were, of course, a lot more extreme than my own but I still found her way of healing herself from mental trauma very helpful to my own issues. 

My upbringing was very unstable at the best of times with me often feeling let down and in turn leading me to become unable to know anything about myself and eventually losing all confidence in asserting myself in adult life. I was always a bit of a ‘sheep’ growing up and would just go along with whatever was asked of me. I honestly didn’t think that I minded.

You can imagine my horror that as I grew up I learnt that you are faced with all kinds of trials and tribulations that you really should just decline but you have no idea how to! 

I felt stressed and uptight attending parties where excessive alcohol and drugs were present knowing that I’d have to get fully immersed in at least one activity. I chose alcohol. All I actually wanted to do was go home and put my dressing gown on with a cuppa! The number of times in my teenage years I’ve ended up in the bed of some random that I ‘kinda knew’ just because all my friends were doing it and again, i didn’t know how to say no. 

All this kind of behaviour is damaging and it is only been in the past 4 years or so that I’ve learnt that I’m allowed to say “I DONT WANT TO” you can actually say that you know! crazy right? 

My friend circles have shifted back and forth over the years depending on my mood but I now realise the importance of needing to surround yourself with people that will improve your life and not drain it. Its been hard but slowly and surely I’ve managed to pull myself away from the energy drainers and swayed more towards the people that fill my life with happiness and make me feel good. I discussed this with one of my close friends recently who couldn’t believe she hadn’t tried the art of “NO” sooner. Seriously guys, it’s a great feeling. 

I do sometimes get a little “No” happy at times though, almost like a big fat middle finger up to all the times I didn’t say it. And obviously, I don’t always say it. I would help my friends and family out in a heartbeat but I also know when someone’s taking the piss i.e. going to do the weekly big shop for someone AND paying without the balls to remind her to pay me back just because she asked me to… ahem… Interestingly, my new found confidence has lost me ‘friends’ over the years…

And i couldn’t be happier.

The Electronic Athlete.

Xbox Widow
A girlfriend or wife who is denied sex because of video gaming addiction
I’ve become a Xbox Widow because I offered David head, sex or even ass sex and he refused sex with me because he was gaming to many times to count and I need some sex badly.

Quite a funny description from the good old Urban dictionary there. Funny. but horrendously relatable.

I’ve just completed my 3,457th argument with my other half about putting our daughter to bed. Usually, I get her ready for bed and do all the teeth brushing, toileting and storybooks and then he will come in to sit with her for 5 minutes as she settles much better for him. This evening apparently was a massive inconvenience to him as he was just waiting for a “Gulag” what the hell is a Gulag when its at home? I’m pretty sure its some kind of Labour camp the Soviet Union created back in the 1930s.

My boyfriend is leading a double life as a gaming addict enthusiast.

During daylight hours he holds down a normal job. By night, he is a Call of duty soldier who spends his time running aimlessly around the battlefield and getting killed every two seconds leading to…Gulag (sigh).

It wasn’t always like this. The living room hasn’t always been a mass of cables, controllers and consoles. He used to actually go out and speak to humans face to face but then it all just changed. More so since having a child and even more so since this bloody lockdown! Now he sits in front of the TV for hours at a time, while exhorting his clan-mates to “come over here mate!” or “back me up, ah fucks sake! and the ignorance doesn’t end there. As he wears headphones (obviously) its rare I can get him to even look at me. Now and again I’m treated to a grunt or more rarely a smile but usually, I might as well talk to the cat.

I should point out that I know how easy it is to be seduced by the winking white box in the corner, having myself had an intense yet brief infatuation with games in the past. I once completed Final Fantasy 8 on the PlayStation 1. It was a proud moment of my life…but I was 11..not 35.

FUN FACT

In 2015, a 24-year-old man collapsed and died after playing “World of Warcraft” for 19 hours in a Shanghai Internet café…

I guess it could be worse.

Social Anxiety or living your best life?

Somebody said to me the other day “Jaz, it must be quite difficult for you at the moment going through all of this with a bit of a mental brain” (Her words, not mine) well, thanks for the concern there hun but you would be mistaken. The biggest excuse I ever used to get out of something was usually by ignoring the whole situation, turning my phone on silent and pretending I didn’t get the message. All of a sudden I don’t need to do that because nobody is doing anything! Covid-19 seems to have taken away all the stresses of stressing over social outings. Now, Covid-19 can be the reason for not letting somebody come into your house when it is not as clean as you would like and the reason you can just say NO to any type of social gathering. It can also be a fantastic excuse to sit consuming chocolatey treats and ..well, yourself. As great as it is, the amount of occasions that friends and family have mentioned all meeting up once all of ‘this’ is over is alarming. I’m actually preparing myself for accidentally on purpose lobbing my phone in the canal so I don’t have to commit to such outings and socialisation.

Don’t get me wrong when I’m in the mood for it I am the life and soul! I’m like Pringles, once you pop you just can’t stop! Get me in a room of 10 or more and I’m a bloody jack-in-a-box. I irritate my partner because I can’t and won’t sit still. Does anybody need any help? do I need the toilet? What’s in that room over there? It is bloody exhausting.


I once went on a day trip to London with my friend and her newborn son. She was slightly apprehensive understandably about tackling the tube with a pushchair and how the day would go in general. I took complete control, we were on and off that central line like shit off a stick, we walked miles, we talked for miles! it really was a fantastic, busy, chaotic but brilliant day out… I then didn’t leave the house for two whole days. I was overwhelmed and emotional from all the stimulation of the day before like that of an overstimulated newborn really. I could barely even parent that day. This is quite a common scenario, and also why I turn down so many social invitations even if I want to go as I have to consider what I’m doing for the few days after in case the day of fun puts me out of service… like a woozy, mental hangover without any alcohol.


I do have a small group of friends who I seem to socialise more with as they understand my situation and laugh at me when I just HAVE to get home for 10 pm. They accept I don’t like to drink too much and just let me be me, however odd I am! I must say though, it took me a long time to get to this point with people as I’m naturally a “people pleaser” which has definitely got me into some sticky situations in the past.

So to summerise, Covid-19 has done me a massive favour. What about you?

Happy groundhog day!

On Saturday the 21st of March I went to work like everybody else who works Travel/Retail/Any other customer service type role. “Right then, what arseholes am I going to have to deal with today” you know the attitude. That one that when you started the job you couldn’t wait to get stuck in making dreams come true , and now, a couple of years down the line the phrase “I’m just wanting to go somewhere hot, not sure where but it needs to be cheap” makes your face contort the same way it would  if somebody were to come up to you and expel a fart in your vicinity.

Don’t get me wrong, my job is different every day and the team I work with well, there fucking awesome but little did I know that day when I finished my shift at 3pm that it would be the last time I saw the place until…well who knows right? In hindsight, if I were to relive that day knowing what I know now I would have rode horseback William Wallace style through town shouting about freedom and drinking gin. Not clock watching waiting to go home.. Which is where I’ve been ever since.

Life’s challenges have changed somewhat. At the beginning I could not believe my luck! No work?! Time at home to catch up on housework and maybe even re wallpaper the huge fireplace shaped empty patch on the living room wall where my other half thought it would be a great idea to move the room round a little? This is kind of exciting! And then I remembered that I was a parent, to a 4 year old. A 4 year old with sass.

It started well. The daily itinerary went like this –

  • A rude awakening at approx. 7am from Child where I promise I’ll be up in one minute if she plays nicely in her room.
  • Joe Wicks workout promptly at 9am
  • Snack
  • Spellings and numbers.
  • Snack
  • Crafty fun
  • Snack
  • Lunch
  • Dog Walk for the allotted 1 hour time frame.
  • “Quiet time” (with snack) most popular choice for freetime was the tablet where I learnt that horrid Henry really is a Horrid little shit.
  • Daddy gets home resulting in very over excitable and giddy child before bed.
  • Tea
  • Bed for child, 1 sly cigarette and gin and tonic at the bottom of the garden for me.

New Daily itinerary

  • A rude awakening at approx. 7am from Child where I promise I’ll be up in one minute if she plays nicely in her room. (28 minutes later, I’m still scrolling through Facebook with one eye open)
  •  “Quiet time” with breakfast in bed.
  • Snack
  • Argue with Child about the amount of outfits she has already worn in the hour we have been awake. Child will now only reply to the name Elsa.
  • Snack
  • Tidy up Elsa’s bedroom, hide the clothes.
  • Lunch
  • Dog walk to any location that child can run freely so I don’t have to look after  worry too much.
  • Stare at Wall where the wallpapering never got done whilst eating snack.
  • Daddy comes home and mentions I might like to take up running?
  • Tea
  • Bed for Child, 16 cigarettes openly smoked near the back door so other half can see that I’m stressed and two Jager bombs.

And just for those wondering, which your probably not, The roll of wallpaper still sits behind the door.

What is Impulsive Personality Disorder?

“A person who has impulsive personality disorder is charming and good at being the centre of attention. In fact, this kind of person thrives on receiving attention. He or she might be highly adventurous – even to the point of engaging in dangerous behaviour – but this person is often also superficial”

The above is Google’s answer. To be honest, this description could be said for a lot of people I know without needing any kind of special diagnosis. Its very true, but very simply described. The reality is a lot more complex often with similar symptoms to that of Bi-polar. Highs and lows that switch like a light. The impossible feeling of needing somebody but at the exact same time wanting them to leave you alone. the phrase “Go away, don’t leave” is horrifyingly relatable to me and my poor partner.

A short background story

There have been many tell tale signs over the years leading to this diagnosis which I will go more into in other posts but one thing that stands out to me is the little pity parties I have for myself and how I rarely take accountability for my actions. I wallow in self pity and dwell on past events that cant be changed. I am MASSIVLEY manipulative to make things go in my favour and sulk if they don’t. Bad traits I know (sigh) but on the flip side my mind is a hive of activity, I overthink everything but this also lets my mind delve into areas not everyone else’s does. I consider details. I am OBSESSIVE.

Regular brain – I see the bird in the tree. nice.

My brain – I see the bird in the tree and now I need to know what species it is, what habitat it usually lives in and what sound it makes.  (This is this followed up with online investigations to get the answer)

I’m not even entirely sure this is even connected to the disorder or whether this is just how my brain works but I think it mainly boils down to the busy brain. The cogs going round constantly.

Impulsive personality is actually just a subtype of Borderline Personality Disorder which in all honesty is a massively under researched illness. It makes me sad when I read or hear of stories of people that clearly showed all the signs and were ignored or misdiagnosed.

if you already feel like you can relate to the above here are some more signs and symptoms –

  • Flirtatious with others, sometimes without even realizing it.
  • Captivating, able to act with a natural magnetism.
  • Elusive and mercurial.
  • Superficial, easily entertaining others on a surface level but avoiding more meaningful interactions or relationships.
  • High levels of energy and easily bored.
  • Thrill-seeking and risk-taking behaviour’s without regard for consequences.
  • Attention-seeking behaviour’s.
  • Charismatic and charming.
  • Dramatic.
  • Highly manipulative of others, particularly in order to position oneself as the centre of attention.
  • Complaints of chronic or recurring illness.