Pity Party

When you have a personality disorder or any other mental health issue it’s quite common to question whether your feelings and thoughts are genuine or part of the “illness”

I argued with my long-suffering partner recently after I randomly started accusing him of not loving me and only being with me for our child and out of pity. This is something I’ve never done before. Although I’d been feeling quite disconnected in our relationship, it came out like word vomit and gave me (and him) a bit of shock. The question is though. Did I really feel like this or was my brain having a little moment? (that’s a genuine question I’d like the answer to if anyone can help with that thanks!?)

My self worth is currently pretty low, I mean, I wouldn’t want to be with me? so why would anybody else? As soon as I seem to turn a corner and don’t do any weird stuff for a while it is like I have to mess it all up by doing/saying something stupid.

The truth is, it’s tiring trying to act as though you don’t constantly have 5000 things running through your head at one moment, tiring pretending that your ok when your absolutely not, almost like wearing too-tight jeans that are about to have someones eye out when the button finally pops off. It’s tiring having thoughts of pure worthlessness and questioning if you’ll ever see the same light in life you last saw when you were about 8 years old. Those feelings of pure happiness and unbridled joy, now dampened by medication and fog. And lastly but most importantly, it’s tiring just wondering. sometimes id rather not wonder at all.

Sometimes I’d like to just be.

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